#2 Why so many of us become people pleasers - The real cost of always saying yes.

Transition from Part 1: So last time, we talked about how people-pleasing creeps in — conditioning, survival mode, wanting to keep the peace, and that age-old “be a good girl/boy” programming that half our generation swallowed with our Weet-Bix. Now we’re shifting gears. Part 2 is where we stop being polite about it and actually look at what people-pleasing does to us. Spoiler: it’s not cute.

The Internal Battle – You vs. You (and You’re Losing)

Every time you say “yes” while your insides are quietly chanting “hell no,” you make a tiny withdrawal from your own self-respect account.

It’s not melodrama — it’s psychology.

Your brain learns: “Right, so we don’t matter. Got it. " and it files that belief neatly next to abandoned hobbies and suppressed opinions.

Eventually, you lose touch with what you actually want.

You get good at tuning into other people’s needs and terrible at noticing your own.

It’s like you become an emotional Wi-Fi hotspot for everyone else, while your own battery is dying.

Here’s the honest truth many don’t want to admit: Every time you say “yes” while your insides are screaming “dear god no”, you’re betraying yourself.

This isn’t dramatic. It’s neurology. Your brain learns: “Cool, my needs don’t matter. Let’s bury them somewhere with the unmatched socks and childhood trauma.”

The cost?

• You stop trusting your own instincts

• You disconnect from what you actually want

• You become excellent at tuning into everyone else but yourself.

It’s the classic People-Pleaser Plot Twist: you think you’re keeping the peace, but you’re actually starting a quiet war inside.

The External Fallout – When “Nice” Turns Into a Full-Time Job

People-pleasing sounds noble. In practice? It’s unpaid labour with awful hours.

You over commit, over-give, and overthink until the resentment starts simmering…but you still smile politely because that’s “what nice people do.”

Meanwhile, everyone around you thinks, “Oh wow, they’ve got it all together! ”when inside you’re one politely worded request away from dropping your basket.

The real kicker? The more you give, the more people expect. Not because they’re bad — because you’ve trained them to.

People-pleasing sounds lovely on paper.

In reality?

It’s basically emotional admin with no pay and terrible hours.

You:

• Overcommit

• Over-give

• Overthink

• And eventually overheat

Everyone else: “Oh thanks! You’re so helpful!” (Yes, Susan, because I’ve ignored my basic human limits for three decades.)

People start expecting it. You get resentful. They’re confused why you suddenly look like you’re one minor request away from snapping. It’s a fun time for all.

The Identity Problem (and the Moment I Finally Snapped Out of It)

Here’s the personal bit — because being real matters.

I’m often on my own these days, by choice, and I genuinely like it. But there have been plenty of times in the past where I was left out, overlooked, or simply not thought of. Intentional or not, it hit hard.

And I did what so many people-pleasers do: I tried to reshape myself into something more “acceptable.” More helpful. More likeable. More… whatever version of me I thought would finally earn a spot at the table.

Did it change anything? Nope. I still got left out. Same sting, different day.

And that’s when the penny dropped.

The power balance was completely off. People-pleasing wasn’t kindness. It was self-abandonment dressed up as good manners. I was handing out pieces of myself like free samples in the supermarket, hoping it’d get me included — and shocker — it didn’t.

So I stopped. I stopped giving a f**k. I stopped performing. I stopped bending myself into knots

to be palatable.

And when I finally took my power back, everything shifted — not because other people changed,

but because I did.

People-pleasing is just giving your power away in tiny instalments until there’s nothing left. Reclaiming it is the start of the freedom arc.

And Just a Touch of the Big One — The Identity Problem

(We’ll dig into this properly in Part 3, don’t worry.)

Here’s the teaser: People-pleasing doesn’t just change your behaviour. It slowly rewires who you think you are.

You become “the reliable one.” “The strong one.” “The peacekeeper.” “The one who never makes a fuss.” “The glue.” “The fixer.” “The one who handles everything like a bloody champion even while internally melting like a candle in a sauna.”

And that identity — that story you tell yourself — is the same one we’re going to dismantle in Part 3, because it’s the trap that keeps you stuck.

Where We’re Heading Next — Part 3 (Solutions)

Part 3 is where we shift from awareness to action:

• How to stop betraying yourself

• How to say “no” without needing to emotionally debrief for six hours

• How to build boundaries without feeling like an arsehole

• And most importantly, how to reconnect with who you actually are underneath the performance

Part 3 is the liberation chapter. This one is the uncomfortable truth chapter. Necessary? Yes. Fun? …Define fun.

This third segment is quite timely for a lot of us, because Christmas tends to be one of the biggest times that the people pleasing occurs.

Go well and until next time - ttfn.