Part One: The Roots — Why So Many of Us Become People-Pleasers

Okay, here’s a big one to dive into. Get comfy. Take a few minutes to read this properly and really absorb what it’s about — because if this doesn’t hit you in your own habits, you’ll definitely recognise it in someone close to you.

So grab a cuppa. Put your phone on silent. And let’s get into this.

I can’t remember the exact moment it started. No dramatic incident, no Hollywood flashback… just a quiet drip-feed of belief that being “good” was safer than being honest.

I grew up constantly scanning the room: “How can I make this easier for them?” “What do I need to do so they stay happy?” “If they’re upset, what did I do wrong?”

I didn’t think I was twisting myself into knots. I thought I was being kind. Helpful. Pleasant. A “good daughter,” “good friend,” “good colleague.”

But underneath that? A deep pull to be accepted, to keep peace, and to avoid the sting of conflict, rejection or judgement.

And I wasn’t alone. You’re probably in this story too.

Because most people-pleasing doesn’t come from weakness or niceness. It’s learned. It’s shaped. And in many cases, it was once a survival strategy.

For some, it started with childhood conditioning. For others, trauma. For others still — culture, family dynamics, religion, schools, workplaces, the subtle pressure to be agreeable, to not “make a fuss,” to be polite above all else.

People-pleasing is often a quiet attempt at safety.

We think:

• “If I make you comfortable, you won’t abandon me.”

• “If I keep the peace, I won’t be punished.”

• “If I avoid conflict, maybe I won’t get hurt.”

• “If I’m liked, I’m protected.”

So instead of truth, we offer performance.

We say yes when our whole body is a no. We smile through treatment that doesn’t align with our values. We stay silent when we see injustice. We call it “being nice,” but really, we’re withholding something much bigger:

Ourselves.

When you stop performing

Recently, I went to a BBQ I didn’t even want to go to. The old pattern would’ve kicked in like clockwork:

• Show up with a fake smile

• Smooth over awkwardness

• Make sure everyone else is okay

• Pretend that’s who I truly am

But this time, I just showed up as me.

No hype, no performance, no “keep everyone happy” mask.

And it felt… weird.

Not dramatic. Not awful. Just unfamiliar.

I wasn’t working the room. I wasn’t shrinking. I wasn’t scanning everyone’s micro-emotions. I simply existed without curating myself.

And instead of feeling fragile, something surprising happened: I felt stronger.

Not louder. Not more dominant. Just rooted.

It reminded me of something I’ve had to learn the slow way:

We don’t owe anyone a version of ourselves that harms our own wellbeing just to keep the peace.

People-pleasing isn’t kindness. Its self-betrayal dressed in manners.

The quiet cost of becoming “agreeable”

This pattern costs us more than lost weekends and awkward favours.

It costs:

• friendships that never fit our values

• energy poured into people who simply expected us to carry the emotional load

• identity based on how other people see us

• our voice

• our boundaries

• our truth

When we build relationships on appeasement, we end up surrounded by people who only know — and only like — the version of us that doesn’t exist.

And there’s no connection in that.

 Only performance.

I used to tell myself that my over-giving was “service.”

 Now I know better:

When we take responsibility for other people’s emotional comfort, we disempower them — and enable them — instead of co-creating the relationship.

The cost of being “easy to be around” is often our own integrity.

So what do we do about it?

Small steps.

 No heroic speeches or dramatic scenes.

Just one simple shift:

The Pause Check

Before you say yes, before you soften your truth, before you carry someone else’s feelings on your back, ask:

“Is this a genuine yes…

 or is it fear of disappointing someone?”

If it’s a yes based on:

• comfort

• obligation

• guilt

• pressure

• wanting to be seen in a certain way

…then it’s not really a yes.

 It’s an emotional bribe with your wellbeing as payment.

You don’t even have to say no right away.

 Just notice.

 Awareness breaks the spell.

And when you do speak honestly, something surprising happens:

 good people respect it.

 Some even mirror it.

 They grow.

 They drop their own masks.

 Truth invites truth.

Will a few drift away? Probably.

And here’s the uncomfortable, liberating truth:

The relationships that rely on your silence, your shape-shifting, or your self-abandonment were never relationships.

They were arrangements.

Let them go.

Your wellbeing matters more than keeping anyone else comfortable.

One core truth to take with you

People-pleasing isn’t authentic, and it doesn’t serve you.

Not your body. Not your boundaries. Not your relationships. Not your purpose. Not your future.

You are allowed to show up without performing. Without smoothing. Without shapeshifting into someone acceptable.

The world doesn’t need you agreeable. It needs the true authentic you.

And now...

Take a moment to sit with that. Be honest about where it shows up in your life — no judgement, just truth. I’ll be digging deeper in Part Two, so check back soon. This series has the power to genuinely change how you show up.